King of the Road
by Shelly Lane
Summary: Tramp describes his past life and how he came to prefer living on the streets. (The title for this work is borrowed from an old song, but the two are not connected in any way).


My earliest memories are being surrounded by other puppies in the pet shop.

"I can hardly wait to get my own family!" a beagle announced. "It's going to be so wonderful to be loved and have plenty of food and a warm bed!"

Families didn't interest me. I had heard that humans made a lot of rules for their dogs, and why should I obey rules made by another species? Rules are nothing but limitations on fun! Some dogs might argue that the purpose of rules is to have fun without risking any trouble or danger, but what good is life without a little excitement?

One day, a man and his wife came into the shop and took me to their home. They had a very young child who liked to pull my ears; however, the child was a messy eater. I got to eat a lot of great crumbs from the floor.

There was no end to the things I found to chew up, and the house was large enough that I always found a new place to track muddy paw prints. When I was put outside, I loved digging up the yard.

Despite all the fun I was having, I always thought there was something missing. Every day was routine: wake up, whine to be outside, dig up the flowerbed, whine to be allowed back indoors five minutes later, have breakfast, chew up everything I found, bite the child if it tried pulling my ears, jump on all the furniture until I was sure it was covered in dog hair, etc. It was all so monotonous!

One day, I noticed that the gate was open. How could I resist such a perfect opportunity?! Before anyone could stop me, I hurried past the gate and raced down the street.

This was freedom! I could run as far as I wanted without being confined to a yard! There were cats to chase and garbage containers to tip over!

The only problem was this man with the net. He kept catching dogs and taking them away. Wherever it was, it didn't seem like some place they wanted to go.

After several days, I ended up at a farm. The farmer and his wife were an elderly couple who thought a sweet little puppy might brighten their lives, and a sweet puppy might have done so, but I was anything but sweet. How could I be a lapdog when there were chickens to chase and cows to pester? The couple eventually gave me to their daughter, who was already an adult woman.

Her husband would throw sticks for me to chase, and he would take me for long walks, although he always insisted that I wear a leash, which I hated because it made me choke. He also let me chase him; then he would purposely fall so I could tackle him. I would growl and tug at his jacket.

However, the woman eventually had a baby. I was moved to a leaky doghouse instead of my comfortable bed by the fire, and instead of choice cuts of meat, I was given leftover baby food. Every time I barked at another dog, I was ordered to be quiet so I wouldn't wake the baby. It was as if my humans had forgotten I existed.

I didn't have to put up with this! I wasn't going to follow rules and live confined to a yard just so I could be ignored!

I took to life on the streets again, taking advice from other dogs about avoiding the dogcatcher and other useful skills. Even though I valued their guidance, I always have preferred thinking for myself, so I always experimented, trying to find more creative or efficient ways to do things.

One of the most important things I learned was how to con humans. I learned that if I acted happy to see them and tolerated whatever name they gave me, humans would be happy to feed me. Even though I was a stray, I ate better than many dogs who lived in human homes.

In time, I developed sort of a reputation. Almost every stray looks up to me, and I have become somewhat of a legend when it comes to evading dog catchers. During the course of my lifetime, I have never been to the pound. From what I've heard, it's nothing but small cages that are even more confining than life with a human!

Gaining a reputation has its benefits. For example, ladies practically throw themselves at your paws! I've lost count of how many girls have fallen in love with me. I always take them somewhere for dinner, but then we go our separate ways. Some of the other stray dogs say that one day, I'll meet someone who actually manages to steal my heart, but I'm as likely to fall in love as I am to accept the leash and collar life again!

It's already been a full day. I've managed to get something to eat from one of my favorite restaurants and saved a few of my friends from the dog catcher. Now I'm patrolling a part of the neighborhood that I don't usually visit. This is where all the snobs live! They may have rich humans, but I'll take freedom over wealth any day!

What's this? It looks like a bloodhound and a Scottish terrier talking to a cocker spaniel! I believe I'll meander over. It's been a while since I've had any sort of conversation with dogs wearing collars. I might offend them by invading their yard, but what do I care? It's not as if I'll ever see any of them again!


End file.
